Shoulda or Woulda?

Last week, we looked at the first two items "hints" listed in JC Ryle's "Duties of Parents."

The first item is

First, then, if you would train your children rightly, train them in the way they should go, and not in the way that they would.

This of course comes from the theme of the article,

"Train up a child in the way he should go:

and when he is old, he will not depart from it."

Prov. 22:6

When Ryle compares "would" with "should", the difference (which is subtle to our modern ears) is that "would" means to prefer, as in "want".

This could be discussed for days, because as moms, we are often concerned with spoiling vs. letting children make choices. Ryle makes some interesting statements:

If, then, you would deal wisely with your child, you must not leave him to the guidance of his own will. Think for him, judge for him, act for him, just as you would for one weak and blind; but for pity's sake, give him not up to his own wayward tastes and inclinations. It must not be his likings and wishes that are consulted. He knows not yet what is good for his mind and soul, any more than what is good for his body. You do not let him decide what he shall eat, and what he shall drink, and how he shall be clothed. Be consistent, and deal with his mind in like manner. Train him in the way that is scriptural and right, and not in the way that he fancies.

Now, hold that thought, and let's go to the cereal aisle. Or the clothing rack. Or any number of purveyors of stuff. We all can remember "shopping" for cereal as a child based on what the free goodie inside was. Apparently in Ryle's day, things were a little different. Parents still struggled with the tendency to spoil their children, but parents knew, for the most part, that they should be the ones to make decisions for their children regarding food and drink and clothing. Today, there has been quite a switch, as food and clothes are marketed directly to the child!

Something to consider in this area of permitting children to make decisions is: what is our goal? Often, parents are made to feel that if they don't allow children to make choices, even foolish ones, they won't learn to make good choices. How does that measure up to scripture?

My son, give me thine heart and let thine eyes observe my ways.

Proverbs 23:26

In our family, we have found two things:

1. By making decisions for our young children, we are modeling and teaching them the criteria by which good choices should be made. Rather than letting them have the experience of making foolish choices (which they will have eventually, guaranteed), we are teaching them to look to their parents for wisdom.

2. By not allowing them to have the "power" of choice, we are teaching them contentment and preparing them for reality. The reality is, for those who follow Christ, there are not many choices. It is a narrow road.

Again, the verse that says "train up a child in the way he should go" implies that there is a right way, and it's not dependent on the child's whims or which cereal box has the coolest toy. Remembering that the issue isn't pleasing the child, but training the child helps us have discernment about how big a deal a decision is.

In our family, we often have the birthday child select part of the menu for the day, however, we have sadly noticed it does not bring out the best in all of our children, and we have even been rethinking that tradition. The issue: what is it teaching them? Indulging our child just doesn't feel like "love" to us.

Well, any way you look at this, training up a child in the way they should go is a big challenge to us and if we choose the challenge, we are going against the flow of most parents today. It's a lonely, unpopular road. It will make us weird. We have to decide whether it is worth it. For what it's worth, Ryle considers it a pretty important thing:

If you cannot make up your mind to this first principle of Christian training, it is useless for you to read any further. Self-will is almost the first thing that appears in a child's mind; and it must be your first step to resist it.

But, read further, because the next hint must not be separated from the first!

Train up your child with all tenderness, affection, and patience.

This next section I found so soothing. It really is the missing link to all those trying times we have with our children at any age.

Love should be the silver thread that runs through all your conduct. Kindness, gentleness, long-suffering, forbearance, patience, sympathy, a willingness to enter into childish troubles, a readiness to take part in childish joys, — these are the cords by which a child may be led most easily, — these are the clues you must follow if you would find the way to his heart.

Few are to be found, even among grown-up people, who are not more easy to draw than to drive. There is that in all our minds which rises in arms against compulsion; we set up our backs and stiffen our necks at the very idea of a forced obedience. We are like young horses in the hand of a breaker: handle them kindly, and make much of them, and by and by you may guide them with thread; use them roughly and violently, and it will be many a month before you get the mastery of them at all.

Now children's minds are cast in much the same mould as our own. Sternness and severity of manner chill them and throw them back. It shuts up their hearts, and you will weary yourself to find the door.

I really should take the time to dig up some verses here, such as Proverbs 16:24, but really, this is not modern psychology speaking, this is the counsel of scripture. Let all we do be done in LOVE. Not desperation. In our flesh, it is nearly impossible to pull this off, this consistent, repetitive training. We get so worn down. But if it is just the outworking of love, that will carry us through these times of investing and what is more, our children will KNOW it is love. This requires a work of God's Spirit in our hearts. Yet how often do we cling to "righteous anger" when we are under pressure or just frustrated?

God wants to do a work in our families, certainly in our children's hearts, but not just there. He wants to do a work in my heart. Like Martha, I can feel justified in bustling around and snapping, but that is not what pleases the Lord or bears fruit that will last. It is only through abiding in the vine. God provides what is needed. Isn't that a comfort?

Next week, Lord willing, we will continue a little further in our reading of this article. If you have time, read ahead.